Sista Vanity: The Fashion Commandments

First of all, I want to thank everyone in advance for entertaining and participating in what will be the most horrendous week in fashion. Jackson State University’s campus is freshly mopped, the grass has been spray-painted the brightest color of artificial green and the sun has shined

perfectly above the Administration Tower but — even that cannot bring light to the shade that I will be tossing. Everyone say, HELLO HOMECOMING!

I can just hear the future phone calls for quick weaves with side parts wider than the plaza right now. Plus, I am almost 80 percent sure that Tyler Perry thought of the idea for the “Haves and the Have Nots”, based on this fashionably challenged college campus.

Homecoming is like the family reunion, and the female alumni remind me of Mary J Blige, who is basically that drunk aunt making you uncomfortable with her age, language and bodacious outfit.

Then, there are the male alumni that are similar to Bernie Mac and remind everyone of that “one uncle” that we all just happen to have and can’t keep quiet no matter how loud the music is. The cookout elevens will be on every eligible father’s feet as he basks in the smell of women trying to find themselves again after 20 years.

But what’s worst than alumni? FRESHMEN! DUN DUN DUN! Often students try to use the expression, “oh she/he is a freshman” as a way to excuse the blasphemous outfits torturing the campus facilities. Luckily, for everyone else in the world I prefer to live in a truthful environment with my right hand raised, and my left hand on the holy fashion bible.

The old testament of the Fashion Bible clearly states in WHAT ARE THOSE 2:14 “Thou who shall looketh a heated mess shall be flamed on the social of media.”

It will take time and patience to help guide this barely legal group into the light of classiness, but if there are any freshmen out there utilizing their brains by picking up this paper, here is the best advice I can give to the young ladies: One, club-wear is not class-wear. Two, “Coochie Cutters” have never been cute and camel toes will never be in. Third, presentation speaks volumes but promiscuity speaks until graduation.

For the young men, NO will always mean NO, regardless of how loud her outfit cries out “thot-pocket.” Next, the lower the pants, the more flamboyant the man. Lastly, it may be October but last time I checked the weather it was 90 degrees. Therefore, keep the Timberland boots in the closet and tell your girl to leave those UGGs in the box.

Hopefully, Intervarsity has a special prayer on the plaza for these poor unfortunate souls and the audacious fall fits that are upon arrival. I commend any upperclassmen that can tame these wild over-sexualized beasts known as JSU 20, and I pity the fool who thinks that they can “out-slay” Sista Vanity.  Make sure to pick up the paper next week for more homecoming fashion critiques.

Editor’s Note: This views expressed in this fashion column are the opinion of the writer and in no way reflect the views of The Blue & White Flash.