Deirdra Harris Glover
MC Contributor/Staff Writer
Society makes it easy for us to look away from violence, even when it’s happening under our noses.
From an early age, we’re taught not to stare, not to make a fuss, to mind our own business. We want to believe the best of the people we encounter in our day to day lives. We want our friends and relatives to be happy, so we believe them when they say they’re “fine.”
The next time you’re in a room full of your friends, remember these numbers. One in 7 men, and 1 in 4 women over 18-years-old have experienced domestic or intimate partner violence. Every 9 seconds, an American woman is subject to assault or battery.
It’s an easy thing to say, “The first time they hit me, I’m out the door.” It’s an automatic and rational reaction to the idea of violence, but it does not encompass all the factors that can influence a situation: children, pets, finances, vows, shame, pride, fear and love. It doesn’t take into account the gradual whittling away of self-worth that usually precedes a violent act. The hard-and-fast rule we’re taught doesn’t account for an abuser’s remorse, apologies or promises.
It also doesn’t account for how often survivors’ admissions of violence are met with skepticism, derision, or even jokes. This isn’t a modern phenomena: people have been laughing at domestic violence since 16th-century Punch-and-Judy shows.
It is crucial to start believing women when they say they’ve experienced trauma, because studies show 1 in 6 women will experience sexual violence in their lives. We must turn our backs on the media machines that protect and uplift abusers because they are wealthy, athletic or entertaining.
We tell ourselves stories to avoid the uncomfortable truths of violence—at least as many stories as abusers use to keep their targets close at hand. We must be willing to change the narrative. Our society still teaches young women to dress for battle when they leave their homes, or to cry “fire” if they are attacked because people are less likely to interfere with rape.
The world needs less teaching women to thread keys between their fingers in preparation for an attack, and more teaching men that it is their responsibility to prevent rape.
We have to break the cycle, not only for the children we may raise, but for the children we once were. Men who experience domestic violence as children are twice as likely to repeat the patterns of abuse. Women exposed to abuse often seek out controlling relationships because their formative connections were abusive.
It’s time to become the adults we wish had been in our lives at critical times. It’s time to stop ignoring flimsy excuses and ask your graceful friend why they’re sporting bruises. It’s time to intervene when we see people clearly unable to give consent.
It is some of the most difficult work of our lives, but we owe it to the people who share our scars.
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